Dem Dems

"Democrats... they're all blacks and women," said by my grandmother, who happens to be a woman.

All in the Family

"I called about my bill, and it was this colored lady on the phone, ..."

- my grandmother.

"My friend Ronda, she's black, ..."

- my mother.

"We had these two gay guys come in to redecorate our house."

- my dad.

"These two gay guys owned the house before us."

- my dad, again.

Lost in translation (sort of)

My mother's friend Vera immigrated from Russia more then 10 years ago and she's like a second mom to me. Beautiful and sophisticated, Vera still has a gorgeous Russian accent, although by no means is she hard to understand. That doesn't matter to my Grandma and Granddaddy, though, who can't understand anyone who doesn't speak with a Pennsylvania country twang like them. What follows is an exchange between them (and my best representation of Vera's accent).

Vera: You should dreenk herbal tea. Is good for you.

Grandma: Oh, I love Ovaltine.

Vera: No, no. I dreenk herbal tea.

Grandma (slowly, as if to a child): Sweetie, it's pronounced Ovaltine.

Vera (flustered): I said herbal tea!

Granddaddy (excited): Did somebody say ovaltine?!

Vera (practically in tears now): Her-bal TEA!

My grandparents in unison: OV-AL-TINE!

The supposed superiority of the fork?

For my birthday one year, we went my favorite hibachi-style restaurant. 

When offered chopsticks (rather than silverware) by the Japanese waitress, my grandmother wrinkled up her nose and snapped, "Honey, we don't use your sticks."

Blast from the past

I was about 13 and trying to describe a movie to my grandmother. I said it was a dark comedy and she obviously didn't understand the meaning of that term. Her response was, "You mean nigger?"

It's fun to stay

"I can't believe your grandfather gets in the hot tub at the Y...with all those gay guys in there." -my grandmother.